I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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