I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
