i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize