Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
