I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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