I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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