well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
