I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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