Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He kissed a someone with a penis
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Randomize
