Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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