The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
