My cat gives me a boner
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
