Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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