what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
