My liver just broke up with me...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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