Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
