I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
