I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
