Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
