Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
