saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
