ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
