You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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