My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
