the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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