she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
