last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
