Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
