I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
