apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
