jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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