i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
