Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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