I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
