You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
