New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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