I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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