just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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