Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
