woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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