u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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