At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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