my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
