You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
