I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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