Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
