Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
