just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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