I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
