Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
