from now on my penis is your penis
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
