So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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