we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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