Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
